Beware Of Relationship Anxiety – The Relationship Killer

Last updated on December 28th, 2023 at 08:37 am

Don’t let relationship anxiety poison your love story. Understand and discover the steps to overcome this silent relationship killer and create a lasting bond.

How upbringing can lead to relationship anxiety

Relationships can be a source of immense joy and fulfillment, but they can also bring anxiety that slowly poisons the bond you share with your partner.

Each time I write on this topic, I remember in my early days finding my way around women, it was a difficult task for me as an introvert.

While I baited girls to come my way, I did everything I could to push them away by constantly accusing the innocent girls of infidelity and lack of love.

I wanted to be the sun while they revolved around me. If I call and they don’t pick up immediately, I assume they are with a man.

When I asked to meet up and they declined, I assumed they had lost interest in the relationship.

All of these would make me act in a way to punish them, and somehow, some of them sensed this toxicity and left.

However, I overcame the relationship killer and have been taking life easy and understood that people should take ownership of their lives.

Relationship insecurity has the power to consume you, leading to doubt, insecurity, and irrational fears.

The relentless cycle of overthinking and questioning your worthiness in a relationship can ultimately become the relationship killer.

We have distilled everything you need to know about commitment anxiety in relationships to the barest level so that in the end, you will be able to understand what relationship anxiety truly means, its detrimental effects, and most importantly, how you can combat it to nurture a healthy and thriving relationship.

Recommended: Addressing Insecurity in Relationships with Gut Feelings

Table of Contents

What is Relationship Anxiety?

A man with relationship anxiety that his wife is cheating

Relationship apprehension is a condition characterized by excessive worry, fear, and insecurity in romantic relationships.

People with commitment anxiety often experience irrational thoughts and doubts about their partner’s feelings, commitment, or loyalty, leading to constant questioning and fear of rejection or abandonment.

They may have difficulties trusting their partner, interpreting their actions negatively, and projecting negative outcomes onto the relationship.

Commitment anxiety can manifest in various ways, such as constant reassurance-seeking, jealousy, overanalyzing, or avoiding intimacy altogether.

Relationship phobia can significantly impact your emotional well-being, relationship satisfaction, and overall quality of life.

Sometimes it can mimic gut feelings, here is how to differentiate the two.

Related: 7 Signs You Have Fear of Intimacy

How Does Relationship Anxiety Kill Relationships?

How Anxiety Snuffs the Life out of Relationships
Relationship anxiety can be detrimental to the health of a relationship as it breeds insecurity, doubt, and mistrust.
It often stems from past hurts or negative experiences, causing individuals to fear abandonment or rejection.
This anxiety leads to constant doubts and creates a toxic cycle of neediness and clinginess.
These insecurities can manifest in the form of excessive jealousy, controlling behaviour, or constant reassurance-seeking, putting immense strain on the relationship.
The constant turmoil and emotional instability can be exhausting for both partners, leading to a breakdown in communication and emotional intimacy.
Ultimately, relationship anxiety kills relationships by eroding trust, creating a negative atmosphere, and inhibiting the growth and happiness of both individuals involved.
If left unaddressed and unmanaged, relationship apprehension can gradually kill the connection and love between two individuals, leading to the demise of the relationship.

Related: Signs You Have Gut Feeling He’s Cheating No Proof

Overthinking Relationship Anxiety

Overthinking relationship anxiety is the tendency to excessively analyze and worry about various aspects of a romantic relationship.

This type of anxiety often arises from a fear of being abandoned or rejected by your partner.

If you struggle with this problem, you find yourself stuck in a cycle of overanalyzing your partner’s actions, words, and behaviours, often reading into every little detail for potential signs of trouble.

This behaviour may stem from a lack of self-confidence or a fear of intimacy, causing you to question the stability and future of the relationship constantly.

Overthinkers tend to create hypothetical scenarios in their minds, imagining worst-case scenarios or searching for hidden meanings behind their partner’s actions.

They may obsessively seek reassurance from their partner or continuously seek validation to alleviate their anxieties.

Related: Tips for Building Intimacy in Marriage

Negative Effects of Overthinking Relationship Anxiety

Overthinking relationship anxiety can be detrimental to the relationship as it often leads to unnecessary conflicts, misunderstandings, and constant doubt.

The constant worry and overanalysis can create a toxic atmosphere and put undue strain on both partners.

Also, this anxious behaviour can be mentally exhausting for the individual experiencing it, leading to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression.

New Relationship Anxiety

Everyone feels a level of nervousness when starting a new relationship. While the feeling is pleasant, there is a kind of anxiety that accompanies it.

New relationship anxiety as the name suggests, is the experience of feeling nervous, insecure, and uncertain in the early stages of a romantic relationship.

It is a common phenomenon that can occur when you are starting to date someone new or are in the beginning stages of getting to know someone on a deeper level.

This type of anxiety can be triggered by various factors, including the fear of rejection or the unknown, previous negative experiences in relationships, low self-esteem, or a fear of vulnerability.

When entering a new relationship, you may have concerns about whether the other person feels the same way, if you will be accepted for who you are, or if the relationship will ultimately be successful.

It’s important to note that new relationship anxiety is a normal part of the early stages of dating and getting to know someone.

It typically decreases as the relationship progresses and trust is built between partners.

Recommended: Navigating The Waves Of Relationship Dynamics

How Long Does Relationship Anxiety Last?

The duration of love anxiety can vary greatly from person to person.

In some cases, it may be a temporary reaction to a specific situation or event, lasting for a few days or weeks.

However, for others, it may persist for months or even years.

It is important to note that if relationship insecurity becomes chronic or significantly impacts daily life, it may be beneficial to seek support from a mental health professional.

Causes of Relationship Anxiety

A man bitter because he thinks he is not getting enough love from wife

There are several factors that can give rise to anxiety in a relationship. The good thing is, that all are within your control if you are enthusiastic enough to tackle them.

Let’s take a look…

1. Past Relationship Experiences and Traumas

Past relationship experiences and traumas can significantly contribute to love anxiety.

When you have experienced hurt, betrayal, or abandonment in previous relationships, it can create deep-rooted fears and insecurities.

These past experiences shape your perception of love and trust, making it challenging to fully open up and feel secure in a new relationship.

The fear of history repeating itself can trigger anxiety, causing you to question your partner’s intentions and constantly worry about potential heartbreak.

Healing from past relationship traumas is crucial in overcoming anxiety in relationships and building a healthier, more secure connection.

Related: How to Avoid Exploitation in Romantic Relationships

2. Insecurities and Low Self-esteem

Insecurities and low self-esteem can be significant contributors to apprehension in relationships.

When you struggle with insecurities and have low self-esteem, you may constantly doubt your worthiness of love and fear rejection.

These negative beliefs about yourself can manifest as anxiety in relationships, making you question your partner’s feelings and constantly seek reassurance.

The fear of not being enough or being abandoned can create a constant state of worry and doubt.

Working on building self-esteem and addressing insecurities is essential in managing and overcoming relationship insecurity.

Related: The Kind Of Woman Guys Regret Losing

3. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment

The fear of rejection or abandonment can be a significant cause of anxiety in relationship.

When you have a deep-seated fear of being rejected or abandoned by your partner, it can create a constant state of worry and apprehension.

This fear can stem from past experiences or a fear of not being lovable or worthy of love.

It can lead to toxicity and being hyper-vigilant for signs of potential rejection.

Addressing this fear and building trust and security in the relationship is crucial in managing and overcoming love anxiety.

Relationship apprehension in these cases may manifest as clinginess or possessiveness, as you constantly seek reassurance and confirmation of your partner’s love and commitment.

4. Unrealistic Expectations and Fear of Intimacy

Unrealistic expectations and fear of intimacy can contribute to apprehension in relationships.

When you have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be or fear getting too close to someone emotionally, it can create anxiety.

Unrealistic expectations can lead to constant disappointment and dissatisfaction, while fear of intimacy can make you hesitant to fully open up for commitment, and trust your partner.

These factors can result in a constant state of worry and fear of not meeting or receiving the love and connection you desire.

Working on setting realistic expectations and gradually building intimacy can help alleviate anxiety in relationships.

Also Read: Understanding The Balance Of Control in Relationships

Benefits of Relationship Anxiety

While relationship anxiety can be challenging to experience, it can also have some benefits.

Here are a few:

Merits of Relationship Anxiety
Heightened Awareness: Relationship apprehension can make you more attuned to the dynamics and nuances of your relationship. It can help you notice potential red flags or areas that need improvement, allowing you to address them proactively.
Improved Communication: Dealing with love anxiety often necessitates open and honest communication with your partner. This can lead to deeper conversations, increased understanding, and the development of stronger communication skills.
Personal Growth: Working through anxiety in a relationship can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-reflection. It can help you identify and address underlying insecurities, fears, and patterns that may be affecting your relationships.
Strengthened Bonds: Overcoming relationship apprehension can lead to a stronger bond with your partner. By addressing and resolving issues together, you can build trust, deepen emotional connection, and create a more secure and fulfilling relationship.
Increased Emotional Intelligence: Dealing with relationship insecurity can enhance your emotional intelligence. It can help you better understand and manage your own emotions, as well as empathize with and support your partner’s emotional needs.

Relationship Anxiety Symptoms and Signs

A couple arguing as a result of overthinking relationship anxiety

When you experience relationship insecurity, you may notice certain signs that manifest in both physical and emotional ways.

Physical Signs of Relationship Anxiety

  • Physically, you might find that your heart races or you start sweating when you think about your relationship.
  • You may also struggle with sleep and appetite, finding it difficult to get enough rest or having a decreased appetite.
  • In addition, you might experience issues with digestion or headaches.

Emotional Signs of Relationship Anxiety

Emotionally and behaviourally, relationship apprehension can lead to a range of symptoms.

  • You may constantly worry or overthink about your relationship, questioning its stability or the feelings of your partner.
  • This worry often goes hand in hand with feeling insecure and jealous, always having fear of abandonment, and that your partner will leave or cheat on you.
  • As a result, you may find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner, needing them to provide constant affirmation of their love and commitment.
  • Another common sign of anxiety in relationships is a tendency to avoid relationships or commitments altogether. This may be due to a fear of getting hurt or a fear of intimacy, leading you to keep your guard up and push potential partners away.
  • This avoidance can hinder your ability to form deep connections and experience the fulfillment that comes with a loving relationship.
  • Unhealthy jealousy and possessiveness can be a sign of anxiety in a relationship. Individuals may feel threatened by their partner’s interactions with others and want to control their partner’s behaviour.

Related: Reasons Why Long-distance Relationships Don’t Work

The Impact of Relationship Anxiety on Relationships

Certainly, there are impacts relationship insecurity has on your relationships.

Just like when I was learning the ropes of romantic relationships, I hit many brick walls before I learned.

Let’s take a closer look at these impacts:

When you experience anxiety in your relationship, it can have a significant impact on your relationship.

1. Communication Challenges

  • Firstly, you may face communication challenges, as expressing your needs and fears can become difficult.
  • Overanalyzing and misinterpreting your partner’s actions can also become common, leading to misunderstandings and tension.

2. Trust Issues

Trust issues often arise when dealing with anxiety in relationship.

  • Constant doubt and suspicion may consume your thoughts, making it challenging to fully trust your partner.
  • This can result in making unfounded accusations without any evidence, causing strain on the relationship and eroding trust.

Emotional Exhaustion

Additionally, emotional exhaustion and detachment can occur.

  • The fear of intimacy can cause you to emotionally distance yourself from your partner, hindering the growth and connection of the relationship.
  • Unnecessary arguments and conflicts may also arise due to the anxiety you experience, further straining the emotional bond between you and your partner.

Related: Qualities Women Find Most Attractive In Men

How to Deal with Relationship Anxiety

You can overcome and deal with anxiety in your relationship if you care enough.

Here are ways you can achieve that:

1. Reflect on your Fears and Triggers

Take time to analyze and understand the root causes of your anxiety.

Reflect on any past experiences, insecurities, or beliefs that might be contributing to your anxiety. Identifying these triggers will help you tackle them.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts and Beliefs

Anxiety can often cause negative thoughts and self-doubt. Replace these thoughts with positive and realistic affirmations.

Cognitive-behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques can help in reframing negative thought patterns.

Also Read: How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

Establishing boundaries in your relationship can provide a sense of security and stability.

Clear communication about your needs, expectations, and limits will help prevent anxiety triggers and build trust.

4. Seek Professional Help

One of the most effective ways to overcome relationship anxiety is by seeking professional help.

  • Therapy and counseling options can provide you with guidance and support in navigating your anxious thoughts and emotions.
  • Cognitive-behavioural techniques, in particular, can help you challenge and reframe negative beliefs and behaviours that contribute to relationship apprehension.

5. Self-reflection and Self-improvement

  • It’s important to engage in self-reflection and identify underlying insecurities that may be fueling your anxiety in a relationship. Once these insecurities are acknowledged, you can then work on addressing them. This may involve therapy, journaling, or self-help resources.
  • Building self-esteem and self-confidence is also crucial, as it allows you to approach relationships from a place of self-assurance instead of fear.

6. Open and Honest Communication with your Partner

Communication plays a vital role in overcoming relationship anxiety.

  • It’s essential to express your fears and concerns to your partner. This open dialogue helps them understand your struggles and allows for supportive conversations.
  • Establishing trust and understanding is also key, as it helps create a foundation of security and reduces anxious thoughts.

7. Patience, Practice, and Self-care

Overcoming anxiety in a relationship is a process that takes time and effort. It’s important to be patient with yourself and your progress.

  • Practicing mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques can help you stay present and manage anxious thoughts. Also, practising self-care is crucial for your own well-being.
  • Taking steps towards personal growth and fulfillment outside of the relationship can help build confidence and reduce anxiety. This could involve pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or investing in self-care activities such as exercise or meditation.

Related: When To Walk Away After Infidelity

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Post-anxiety

In order to maintain a healthy relationship after anxiety, it is important to focus on rebuilding trust and developing effective communication skills.

Additionally, finding a balance between independence and interdependence is crucial.

Here are some strategies and exercises to help in these areas:

1. Trust-building Exercises and Strategies

Honesty and Transparency: Being open and honest with your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and fears can encourage trust. Sharing your experiences with anxiety and any concerns you may have can strengthen the emotional connection between you two.

Setting Boundaries and Respecting them: Establishing boundaries is important to maintain a healthy relationship. Clearly communicate your needs and limits to your partner, while also respecting their boundaries. This mutual understanding helps create an environment of trust and emotional safety.

2. Developing Effective Communication Skills

Active Listening and Empathy: Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your partner when they are speaking. Sincerely hear their words and acknowledge their emotions. Likewise, show empathy by trying to understand their perspective and expressing genuine care and concern.

Non-defensive and Non-judgmental Responses: Avoid becoming defensive or judgmental when discussing sensitive topics. Instead, focus on constructive conversation and try to approach discussions with an open mind. Validating each other’s feelings will establish a safe space for open communication.

3. Balancing Independence and Interdependence

Nurturing a Sense of Self Outside the Relationship: Maintaining a sense of independence is crucial in a healthy relationship. Encourage each other to pursue individual interests, hobbies, and friendships. This helps you both develop a strong sense of self and prevents over-dependence on the relationship for emotional well-being.

Collaboration and Compromise: Strive for collaboration and compromise when making decisions together. Recognising that you both have different needs and desires and finding a middle ground can reinforce a sense of equality and interdependence in the relationship.

Relationship Anxiety Test

If you want to go further to know for sure if you are having relationship anxiety, then you can help yourself by taking the ROCD test.

What is relationship OCD (ROCD)?

ROCD is the fear of being in the wrong relationship, the worry of one’s partner not actually loving them, or the fear of one’s own lack of true love for them.

Since all forms of OCD fall under the obsessive-compulsive continuum, relationship OCD is not a recognized diagnostic and is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V).

If you don’t have OCD, you could choose to refer to it as relationship anxiety.

Regardless of the name you use, both relationship anxiety and ROCD can be treated.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can relationship anxiety ruin a relationship?

Anxiety in a relationship can potentially ruin a relationship if left unaddressed, as it can lead to constant strain, mistrust, and communication breakdown.

Can anxiety make you end a relationship?

Anxiety can influence the decision to end a relationship if it becomes overwhelming and affects one’s overall well-being and ability to maintain a healthy partnership.

What can relationship anxiety lead to?

Anxiety in a relationship can lead to decreased intimacy, constant worry, insecurity, and difficulty in trusting one’s partner, ultimately impacting the overall satisfaction and stability of the relationship.

Can relationship anxiety be cured?

While anxiety in relationships can be managed and reduced through therapy, self-reflection, and open communication, it may not be completely cured.

However, it can be effectively managed to improve relationship dynamics and overall well-being.

How do I fix my relationship anxiety?

To address relationship apprehension, consider open communication with your partner, seeking therapy or counseling, practicing self-care, challenging negative thoughts, and developing healthy coping mechanisms.

Is it relationship anxiety or am I not in love?

It could be relationship insecurity if you experience persistent doubts, fears, and insecurities about the relationship, even if you still have feelings of love.

What is relationship anxiety called?

It is also known as relationship insecurity, fear of intimacy, or commitment anxiety.

How do you explain anxiety to someone you love?

When explaining anxiety to someone you love, emphasize that it’s a mental health condition characterized by excessive worry, fear, and unease. Share your experiences, symptoms, and the support you need from them.

Final Thought

Relationship anxiety can be a silent killer in relationships, causing distress and strain.

It is characterized by constant worry, insecurity, and fear, which can erode trust and intimacy.

Recognizing the signs, such as physical symptoms and emotional distress, is crucial.

By addressing and managing relationship apprehension through open communication, self-reflection, and seeking professional help if needed, you can navigate this challenge and build a stronger, more secure bond.


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Pyo Merez (PsyD) is a distinguished adolescent and adult psychologist at the forefront of mental health advocacy.

With expertise in cognitive and developmental psychology, focusing on social relationships, cultural contexts, and individual differences, Pyo has dedicated his career to empowering adolescents and adults.

As a sought-after speaker and panelist, Pyo shares invaluable insights on issues affecting young people, contributing to a deeper understanding of mental health and well-being in today's society.